Isaiah 40:31
but those who trust in the LORD will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.
Many things in life, especially those things of greatest value, come with a great amount of difficulty. In relationships, in business, in spiritual matters, and in family matters I have faced many difficult tasks. Some seemed insurmountable. In many circumstances the completely blurred nature of the future holdings often protected me from my self-centered myopathy. Of all the things that have come into and out of my life, waiting on God has been one of the most challenging, arduous, frustrating, confusing and loneliest yet often most rewarding things I have ever done.
This journey began years ago. Doors opened. Doors closed. Opportunities came. Opportunities went. Over and over again, the answer I received to my desire to pursue a new path in life was, “Not at this time…” At times that voice was clearly the voice of God. Other times it sounded suspiciously like my wife. It came from friends, family and church leaderships.
"Wait!"
There was the occasional nudge along a path when the response came back, “Go! But not too far…” As if that is the answer I wanted to hear. My desire was godly. My motives were pure. My calling was clear … at least to me. I was confident in that calling and the gifts God had given to me. I knew there was more I had to offer the Kingdom.
The path is lonely. Especially so when the command to go rips you out a life of comfort and complacence. Especially so when you find yourself far removed from friends an family that had provided you a home for so long. Especially so when your family is uprooted and tries to become grafted into a new community of faith and friends.
It is like a spider suspended down into a room teeming with life yet alone. Suspended by the thinnest line of silk, it is anchored solidly while given to the influences of the surrounding environment. And so he begins to spin a web by setting anchor points only to see them severed. And the suspense returns. He is surrounded by all kinds of life and activity. Each event in the room affects the suspended spider as the currents displace him from one position to the next. He searches for stability, a place to light, where he may fulfill the thing he has been created to do best - spin a web.
And here I am. Suspended. And in suspense. Anchored by what seems to be the thinnest of strands in the Will of the Creator. Waiting on the call of the Faithful Father whose promises of provision never fail.
There is reason to hope, yet I fear to hope yet again. Hope turns to disappointment. Promise to mirage. Excitement to frustration.
And there is a realization that man’s confidence is a stumbling block. That God can use me best in my brokenness. And yet I feel broken enough. How much work is left to do on this hard heart of mine? Quite a bit, I fear.
I feel his shield of protection around me. I feel the hammering of his mallet on my soul. I feel the angst of the responsibility to provide for the treasures he has gifted to me. I feel the gnawing pain of uncertainty in my gut. He has never let me down before. I have no reason to believe it will ever be any different.
Psalm 30:10-12
Lord, listen and be gracious to me; Lord, be my helper.”You turned my lament into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, so that I can sing to You and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise You forever.
